Sorry, I sort of went missing there.

And yes I understand I don’t have a lot of people reading this.  However I felt I should let you know where I’ve been and what’s been going on.  I can get into more details later but I wanted to write a little bit now to get the ball rolling.

The first thing is that I am ok, and not ok all at the same time.  Sound weird?  Sure does!  And feels even weirder… 

Basically I realized that I have nothing figured out and that’s a scary thought for someone creeping up to 40.  I totally get the concept of a mid-life crisis, but I also think that’s a cliché term that means so many things, and is different for everyone.  For me I am starting to see that life isn’t a series of checkboxes that you accomplish and find happiness.  Get married, have kids, get a house, get a job, etc.  Some of those go away, some of those things don’t happen, some things you never wanted in the first place, and some things are not what you thought they were.  The point is those things don’t define you, or at least they don’t define me.  I’ve struggled with that quite some time trying to figure things out, the last month in particular.  That is why I’ve been quiet.

So what then? I’ve learned to live in the moment.  I’ve done yoga, learned to meditate, learned and performed improv.  These are all amazing things which I have been very proud of.  They have taught me to be present and not worry about what has happened and what might happen.  And while they have been helpful that also have their drawbacks. 

I’ve lived so much in the moment I stopped looking where I was going.  I’ve lost my direction which has not served me well.  There are some things I just can’t “go with”.  I have to make some changes.  But how? What? Why??

So this is what I am going to do.  I am still going to live in the moment, but let the moment help guide my future.  I’m going to do things for me, and not what I think is expected of me.  I’m going calmly listen to the voice inside of me instead of the noise around me. 

I’m not going to think of an end goal, and work backwards from that to get there. I’m going to look forward and see where I end up.

I have a feeling that is where I am supposed to be.